I (Almost) Kill Myself

So, here I am gonna talk about my experience with suicidal thoughts a few months ago. I’m gonna talk about it in english since I am more comfortable discussing it in english than bahasa.

I was 15 when I had my first broken heart, painful and unbearable. I was mad, I was mad at my ex but mostly I was mad at myself. I was feeling not enough; not beautiful enough, not skinny enough, not good enough even for myself. He was my first love, everyone would kill for their first love, so would I. I was suffering for almost a year, hoping he would come back to me and anyways we broke up in a bad way. He cheated on me, like the cruelest-cheating-way. Well, you can guess. In a year, he didn’t let go of me and so did I. We still kept in touch, we still loved each other, it was like a movie. When he was with his girlfriend, he texted me. Everything they did, he told me. And the most stupid thing I’ve ever did was listening to him. Highschool, broken heart, faced teenage life, so on – it was depressing. I was mentally unstable, I hated myself, I hated my friends, I hated my family. My family is not the kind of family that you can talk your problems with, they are not a good match with me. I love them, of course I do but to talk my problems with them? Nah, never. When I am home, I usually isolate myself in my room. My dad was a dictator, my mom was afraid of him – we are all afraid of him. I almost had a “broken home”, it affected me so much. Until now.

I always thought that wanting to kill ourselves is a common thing. I thought people are like this too. So if you read my poems around 2014-2016, I was so suicidal. I said I wanted to die, I was lonely and I’d rather die than facing this loneliness. Highschool ended, I forgot about my first heart break but I had to face college life. Finally. But college is as hard as highschool or even more cruel because people are ignorant. I am studying at the most religious college in the town, but I am not religious. I was kind of lost, I thought God worked for people but not for me. I refused His existence, I was suffering anyway even when I do believe in him. But I still believed in Him you know but I was questioning everything. I am not wearing hijab, but all my friends are wearing it. It’s so much burden for me, because people keep asking me when I will use one. Also, I study sociology. So basically, we talk about everything even the wrong ones. But there’s no wrong or right in sociology, we just learn the fact. I was always vocal about my opinions which were different with my friends. But they looked at me like I am a sinner, like I am a bad person. I hated myself for not good enough, not religious enough, not fit into their standard, I hated for being me. It was the hardest moment in my life because people saw me that way. I was on my way, searching what is this all about, life, existence, everything. Aroud that time, I couldn’t stop thinking about death I even dreamt about it. I was thinking about it all the time, I am not lying. I was thinking about how I should die, how I should kill myself in a less painful way. I thought it was normal, I thought people are also like this. I asked my close friends, “do you ever think about killing yourself?”. They replied, “No, OMG. Never!!” and the same reactions from almost all of them. And after that, I was scared, I was different.

After that, I seek for information about my suicidal thoughts. I found one, I found that it is a symptoms for depression. And then, I was too drowning that maybe yes I was depressed because the others symptoms are also very me. I was tired all the time, lack of motivation, so on. I fell into self-diagnosed trap and it was not cool. I will tell you how it felt like, I was sad but something beyond sad and I didn’t know what, it was so hard to wake up every morning and knew that today is worse than yesterday, it was lonely and exhausting and it was hurt so much even though no one hurt you. I was more suicidal, I even arranged the detail in my head about how should I kill myself. Sure, it wasn’t jump from the bridge or slit my wrist with cutter --- but yeah I won’t tell you, I will keep it for myself. Thankfully, I never did it. I almost kill myself, in my head.

But now I overcome my suicidal thoughts, I don’t know for sure how but I manage to think positive and loving myself more. Ugh, it was such a cliche if people told me to think positive and I think that’s bullshit but it worked for me. I had a chance to love myself more and it is amazing. I don’t set my goals too high, since it’s a burden for me and it is stressful. I am just doing me, I freed myself. I don’t really care anymore about what people think of me, I continue my own adventure and slowly but sure I finally find the light. If you think suicidal thoughts have something to do with your religion, well, not really. Stop saying that people who need help like this are sinner or far from God.

Now I realized, it was not that I want to die but I want to live more and I want to cut the painful part in me with death. But death isn’t a choice, friends. We have another choices that never come across our mind, and you will find it someday. Self-diagnosed is not cool, if you think you are depressed or simply need help you can always come to the professional. I was there, in the darkest moment in my life. And I almost kill myself, in my head.

*P.S. if you want to talk about your problems or anything, you can always talk to me. I am no professional but I will try my best to comfort or just to give you a hug. You are not alone.